I like long walks off of short piers. Soccer (even though I'm not that good), Music, Lifting Weights,Eating, I have no pets, but I have a lot of friends. I'm an analyzer,procrastinator, and definitely forgetful. (so if I forget something that is important to you, I'm sorry) I like Perguins. And I love not being able to be labeled (I'm a little bit country and I'm a little bit rock and roll) I'm a little bit of everything all rolled into one. So, here's my journal and stuff. Cheerio and Ciao!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

So I haven't written in a while, I know, but to be honest I forgot I had a blog. I have been using myspace more often, but now that I remember I have blogspot, I will keep using this one too. By the way, thanks go to Kat for being an inspiration.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I lost a lot

If you lose a friend
You lose a lot
When you have a friend
You don't know what you've got
They just leave you
And they do not say a word
And you fought over something stupid and obsurd
You wish you could change it
And talk it out
Instead you slammed the door
And conversations out
And when you stop talking
It's the worst thing you could do
It might be best to simply start over new
But they won't let you
No matter how hard you try
So you try to be tough and you try to be strong and you try to say it's fine
But you know the truth
If you lose a friend
You lose a lot
When you have a friend
You don't know what you've got.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

What Do You Want To Be?

[ mood | grateful ]
[ music | "You are God" by Salem's Voice ]

So when I grow up, what should I be? A music teacher, a pastor, a construction worker, a mechanic, what? I don't know, is the best answer I can give right now. Everyone asks that question and I've been asking for years, but now there are new choices stuck in there. Will I choose the right one? I hope so. God, help me choose the right one.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

So, things have slightly become smoother for me as time goes by. I'm growing closer to God (though not quite as fast as I would like), and I'm constantly learning new things about myself I never realized before. We just ended our VBS (Vacation Bible School) this past week, I helped with music. Now, I've never attended a VBS before as a kid, but as an older kid, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. The kids were a blessing, and now more than ever, I believe that God is calling me into ministry. Whether it be pastor, missionary, or even sunday school teacher...I don't know yet, but one thing is certain, I've never felt this call any stronger than I do now. It's weird, but everday I feel a tugging on my heart for youth group. I remember my own youth group and how involved they got with the kids and with the community. And, although they were not perfect, they were absolutely great! I long for that atmosphere in my current church, though I can't say that a strong, connected youth group is achievable, at this time. There aren't many kids, youth group age, in my church. Most of them are either Kindergarten age or my age. I'd say we have about 5 kids youth group age right now. Even so, I long to take charge of a youth group and lead them and mold them into what God has for them. I think if I could do that, it would be one of my greatest accomplishments. Even so, God's will be done.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Letting It All Out...Again

Let it all out
Get it all out
Rip it out
Remove it
Don't be alarmed
When the wound begins to bleed

Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along
That's exactly what we need

And today I will trust you with confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
But tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
Oh inconsistent me
Crying out for consistency

And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart
Then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify
The pain it took to get us there

And I'll let it be known
At time I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me
There is strength

And you promise me
That you believe
In time I will defeat this
Cause somewhere in me
There is strength


And today I will trust you with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
And I'll try my best to just forget
That that man isn't me (2x)

Reach out to me
Make my heart brand new
Every beat will be for you
For you

And I know you know
You touched my life
When you touched my heavy heart
And made it light

Let It All Out

So, when your head is filled with thoughts and you just can't consentrate on anything except those thoughts, you write them down. Getting them out focuses them on something other than your mind. Did that make sense? Probably not, but then again I usually don't, so don't worry if you got lost. My point is, I've been living a lie for so long, now that I have verbalized it, thoughts are running rampid in my mind. I can't stop thinking about everything that I should have said, and everything that I shouldn't have said, and all the times before I should have said them. Out of the few people that I went to for help and support, I realize now that I should have been more careful in my choices of who to confide in. In hind-sight there are people who I should have confided in long before now. Because keeping so much bottled inside is definitely not a good thing, nor is it healthy. Living like some great Christian, in the eyes of others, has probably been one of my biggest downfalls. Refusing to talk for fear of humiliation, and refusing to ask for help for fear of rejection has only created more distance between God and myself. I always realize the important things much too late to do any good. For easing some of the fears and inner torment that I have been building up for so long, I thank my friends. They have no idea what they have done for me, simply by loving me for who I am and not what I have done or what I do. Friends like them are truely a gift from the Father. He knew that I would need friends like them to get through things like this. He has a reason for everything. And He uses everything for good. I thank you Father. You are my God.
Amen.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Inner Torment

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to say
To think that if you knew you'd walk away
You walk out and let the door slam in my face
To think in your eyes I am a total disgrace

I struggle with issues we all know that's true
And people say,"Wait, but Jesus died for you?"
"How can you sit here and not go repent?"
But my prayers were unheard, time was wasted, and I'm spent

How can I sit here when I crucified Him
"You're half way through the tunnel, just go to the end"
But the light seems so little, the light seems so dim
But I crucified Jesus, I did that to Him

I feel so stupid, I feel so dumb
I feel so paralyzed, I feel so numb
I feel so confused, I feel so scared
I feel so unimportant like nobody cares

I pray and I pray and I pray with my heart
It pains me to know that we are apart
I don't want to be this far from my Savior
And I cannot continue with this type of behavior

God, change my heart, God, make me new
Jesus, deep down I want to be more like you
I'm so lost I just don't know what to do
God, please change my heart, God, please make me new

Amen

Monday, June 06, 2005

So, where do I begin. I moved to New York. That was a big thing for me. I'm looking for a new job. I've found a really good job and I've applied there, I just hope I get it. I found a good church, which is good news. It's Wesleyan and I come from a Baptist church, but it's a great church. Actually, the denominations are not that much different. In the fall, I'll take the Civil Service test to become a Deputy Sheriff. Honestly, I started straying from God since I went to college, but now I believe that He is molding me into what He wants me to be. I actually think that God may be calling me to be a pastor, but I'm not sure yet. So, I'm still praying and waiting.